Ask to see the photo.

Often the person lying in the hospital bed isn’t the same person family members remember. When they close their eyes, they see someone younger, happier, more active, laughing, playing with grandkids, relaxing on vacation. Often there’s a favorite photo, or a photo that best captures the patient’s “true self.” Their real identity. Their values.

Ask to see the photo. It could mean the world to the family that you cared to see their loved one as they see their loved one. And it’ll help you get to know your patient’s unfiltered values that much better.

Read a poem.

Take a moment to see something through someone else’s eyes. Poems are (usually) short, it won’t take long at all. And it’ll strengthen muscles you won’t ever see, and won’t ever find in your anatomy textbook.

Here’s one of my favorites.

You can do it.

Everyone just starting out – all you new interns, new medical students, new attendings, new nurses – you can do it. It’ll be hard, and there will be times when you question everything. But you can do it.

You can’t do it alone: you’ll need the help and support of your friends, your family, your faith, all the things you turn to for strength and guidance. Remind yourself that you’re not the first to walk down this path, though it’s a first for you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, there are so many of us out here who’d love to share what we’ve learned. Don’t be afraid to ask for a break, for a minute to collect your thoughts, for a moment to reflect. Don’t be afraid to ask for a hug.

You’re not alone. You’ve got this.

You can do it.

Be the mirror.

Mirroring can be a very effective communication technique. If done well, it will draw you even further into your patient’s narrative and help build rapport and trust in a short period of time. The technique is pretty simple: imagine you’re a mirror in front of your patient. Reflect back what you see.

If your patient’s smiling then smile, if they’re worried or upset then change your facial expression to match. Are they sitting forward in their seat? Move toward the edge of your chair. Are they leaning back with legs crossed? Do the same, or find a similarly relaxed pose.

I’ve found over the years that effective mirroring demonstrates actively listening, and shows that you’re truly engaged in the story. The only time I won’t mirror is when the emotion is particularly volatile and I want to diffuse tension. For example, if someone’s pacing the room or shouting and pointing a finger at me, then the last thing I’ll do is mirror (more on what to do in this situation later).

Be the mirror. It’s a subtle, and effective, non-verbal technique to validate your patient’s feelings and support their story.

Ride the swings.

Go to the park on a nice day, get on the swings and pump those legs. See how high you can go. Feel the wind on your face. If you want to live dangerously maybe close your eyes.

You don’t need a kid to ride the swings! If people stare at you, just scream how much it tickles.

If you have a kid, then it’s time to show them how it’s done. You know someone went clear over the top once, right? A full circle! That could be you.

Ride the swings. Don’t be afraid to have a little fun, to let your inner child become your outer child again.

Don’t be afraid to get the wind in your hair, it comes out so easily.

Switch the TV back on.

If you turn the TV off to speak with your patient, remember to ask if they’d like it back on when you leave. Hospitals, and sickness, are the great disruptors of life and routine: things rarely settle back in place afterward.

Switching the TV back on is not only a gesture of kindness, it’s a subtle reminder that sometimes things can go back to the way they were, before.

Look out the window.

Several days ago some wild storms barely missed Pittsburgh, but with the near miss came something I’d never seen before: Mammatus Clouds. And I might have missed them completely had my son not said “what’s wrong with the sky?”

It was mesmerizing. And a stark reminder to look up from my work every-so-often. A reminder to stare at the sky, and sit with the sunset.

A reminder to be one with the world outside my window. Some pretty amazing things happen out there.

Use your patient’s words.

So much of effective communication depends on figuring out how your patient communicates. Not just communication style and processing speed, but the specific word choice and imagery used. True masters of communication jump effortlessly into and out of their patients’ narratives, finding the parallels and common themes in their stories that tie everything into the bigger picture.

If your patient uses the word “terrifying,” don’t change the word to “scary” or “frightening.” Use your patient’s word. Say “terrifying.”

If your patient tells you they feel like a car breaking down, and “they just don’t make these parts like they used to,” then stay with the metaphor. See if you can extend the imagery, stretch it those few extra miles. “Sounds to me like your warranty ran out long ago” or “seems like you’ve been stuck in the shop for a while. If you could go out for one last spin, where would you go?”

See what your patient says.

Go there with him.

Happy Father’s Day.

To all the amazing fathers out there, Happy Father’s Day. Especially my own dad, who is the most generous and supportive person I know and who has never once, in 40 years, stopped believing in me.

To all the dads out there making it work, trying their best, setting good examples and being great role models, helping to raise kids who will love deeply and live deeply, who will respect rather than attack our differences. To all the dads to be, and the dads no longer with us.

Happy Father’s Day.

Check in.

With your team, with yourself. With the nurses and nursing students, the PCTs, the sitters and the aides, the care managers and social workers. We’re all part of the same team. If you have an opportunity to show kindness and compassion, then take it.

You may hope someone does the same for you someday.